Do you often find yourself caught up in other people’s troubles and woes? If you find yourself emotionally drained by others’ negative narratives, then it’s time to stop it from happening. Julia Chi Taylor explains how to set boundaries and free yourself from this negativity.

It’s a situation we’ve all been in at some time or another. You innocently ask a work colleague or someone you bump into at a party how they are, and they unload all of their problems and stresses on you quickly. Sometimes, it can be a case of them oversharing if you don’t know them very well – other times, you may be good friends but have noticed that they tend to share their troubles with you all of the time. If every conversation with a friend starts with them sharing their problems or their aches and pains, or you find that strangers unload on you, you may inadvertently be attracting their negativity.

Recognising the Takers

I’m not suggesting you deliberately encourage them to moan, but something within you will be energetically communicating that you are available for people to unload on you, and your natural orientation may be to give to others. This means you need to be aware of your boundaries and recognise the situation quickly. The other person could be a taker, and they may have no boundaries!

What to Do in Social Situations

So what should you do if someone you don’t know very well approaches you at a social gathering and starts sharing all of their problems with you? Always be kind, but step away and say, “It’s really nice to see you, but I promised Jane over there I’ll go and catch up with her.” Give the person a brief hug or squeeze their arm to break the conversation if you need to, and politely head off.

It is also important to reflect on the patterns within yourself that invite this. Has it always been this way? Were you praised by the adults around you or your friends for this as a child? Did a parent or sibling always rely on you and constantly offload? This can give you insight into the root of the pattern, which can give you agency in deciding to change it!

When Unloading Becomes Abuse

It’s important to be aware that if someone constantly unloads on you, it’s an imbalance in the relationship and can also be an abuse of your time. Ultimately, you are responsible for looking after yourself, and it is worth developing skills to manage your own energy and being prepared to walk away – this will break the cycle of feeling drained by others. 

Taking Control of Your Time

Remember that no one owns your time – you don’t have to listen to someone complaining or being negative. It is your choice. Even if they aren’t consciously aware that they’re doing it, it doesn’t mean that it is acceptable.

Some people will, unfortunately, be caught in the identification of believing their injuries or hard luck stories. I’m not saying they don’t have injuries or problems – but ultimately, we’re just a bundle of thoughts. We don’t have to get caught up in them. We can create a different narrative – a positive one – and be something else. As humans, we can change our lives by changing our attitudes.

Prioritising Your Wellbeing

Otherwise, if you tolerate a person’s offloading, they may benefit from it and feel better, but it may not actually help them in the long term – and it’s likely that you’ll feel drained or stressed by their complaining. Be good to yourself – politely deflect them and move away. Otherwise, it’s an energy drain.

More Guidance

Dealing with people who moan a lot can be challenging if you’re a naturally good listener and an empathetic person. Still, by setting boundaries and prioritising your wellbeing, you can protect yourself from their negativity. Remember, it’s OK to step away and take care of your mental and emotional health. If you need further guidance on managing these interactions, consider reaching out to a professional for support to help you investigate and identify your part in the dynamic, to learn to understand where it came from and how the pattern has become a part of you and your life….


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