Enhance your personal and professional relationships by improving your ability to listen and empathise with others. Julia Chi Taylor explains how to truly listen.
In our rapidly advancing world, the art of listening is often overlooked but remains a crucial skill for anyone looking to strengthen personal and professional relationships. Whether you aim to improve your communication with a loved one or a colleague, mastering the ability to listen effectively can make a world of difference.
Why be a better listener?
Improving your listening skills can have a profound impact on both personal and professional relationships:
- Enhanced Communication: Clear and open communication leads to better understanding.
- Stronger Relationships: Listening fosters trust and respect, essential components of any healthy relationship.
- Improved Problem-Solving: Understanding different perspectives can lead to more innovative solutions.
- Increased Productivity: In a professional setting, effective listening can lead to better teamwork.
Being a good listener is not just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions, intentions, and thoughts behind those words. For business leaders, effective listening can mean better team collaboration and decision-making. In personal relationships, it can lead to deeper connections and mutual respect.
Many people struggle with listening because they are often preoccupied with their own thoughts or planning their responses while the other person is speaking. This habit can hinder genuine understanding and empathy, which are key to building strong relationships.
Practical Steps to Becoming a Better Listener
Here are some actionable steps you can take to improve your listening skills…
1. Give Your Full Attention
This may sound obvious, but it’s surprisingly common for people to tell you they’re listening while they’re fidgeting or fiddling with their phone! Put away distractions such as your phone, turn off notifications, and make eye contact. Your body language should convey that you are fully engaged in the conversation.
This also allows you to be fully present and to listen to the other always with new ears – this means you are free from any projections, assumptions and judgements – or need to control which way the conversation goes.
2. Avoid Interrupting
Interrupting someone while they are speaking can make them feel undervalued. It’s essential to allow the other person to fully express their thoughts before you respond. This shows that you respect their opinion and are genuinely interested in what they have to say.
Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt created the Imago relationship therapy and, within that, a very effective listening tool called Intentional Dialogue. The process starts with mirroring.
3. Repeat Back What You Heard
One effective technique to ensure you’ve understood the person is to repeat what they’ve said. This not only confirms your understanding but also demonstrates that you are paying attention. For instance, if someone shares a personal story, you might respond with, “So, you’re saying that moving from a warm climate to a snowy one was quite a shock for you.”
4. Validate Their Experience
This is the next step in intentional dialogue…
Validation involves acknowledging the speaker’s feelings and experiences as legitimate. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but you cross the bridge into their world – and it shows that you respect their perspective. By validating their experience, you help them feel understood and valued.
After repeating back what you heard, you might add, “I completely understand why you don’t like snow if you spent years in a tropical climate.”
The next stage is to empathise with the person.
5. Show Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. By acknowledging the speaker’s emotions and experiences, you can build a stronger connection. After repeating back what you heard and validating their experience, you might add, “I imagine it felt uncomfortable and difficult for a while…and then you check what it did feel like and whether your empathy was accurate
Real-Life Example
Let’s look at a real-life scenario. Imagine you’re in a conversation with me about the weather, and I mention my dislike for snow (true, by the way!). I explain to you that I grew up in a warm climate in South Africa and found my first snowy winter in the UK to be a harsh and unpleasant experience.
In response, you could say, “So, you don’t like snow because when you moved to the UK, it was very snowy and cold, and you had been living in a tropical climate before. I completely understand why you don’t like snow if you lived in the tropics for years. And I imagine it must have felt difficult and uncomfortable for you (and cold!).
By repeating my words and showing empathy, you demonstrate that you have listened and understood my experience. This helps build rapport and creates a sense of understanding. Effectively, it also means that you are crossing the bridge into my world and getting a sense of what it felt like to be me during my first winter in the UK.
If your goal is to genuinely understand and connect with others, listening well can improve your relationships and enrich your life with diverse perspectives and experiences. Start practising these techniques today and watch how your interactions transform.
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